When the Day is Done

Conflict Management Blog by Cinnie Noble

Interpersonal conflict has a way of overwhelming us – casting a large cloud that seems to encompass our every minute. Often we blow things out of proportion as we ruminate over what we said, what the other person said, what we wished we’d said, what we heard that was not said and so on. The whirlwind of activity in our head takes over in a way that serves us and others poorly and contributes unnecessarily to the dissension and our perceptions of what occurred.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider what is most important to you – “when the day is done” – especially if you have a tendency to make one or more conflicts bigger than it is. To do so, consider a dispute in which this is currently happening for you.

  • What is happening or what happened?
  • What specifically offended you that the other person said or did?
  • To what are you attributing the other person’s motives?
  • Why would she or he intend that (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What do you know for sure explains the other person’s contribution to the conflict?
  • What do you believe but do not know for sure?
  • For what might the other person be blaming you?
  • What might she or he believe about you and your intent? What doesn’t she or he know about you and your intent?
  • What, at the end of the day, is most important to you about this conflict? What, when the day is done, is most important to you about your relationship with the other person?
  • When you consider what is most important to you about the conflict and the other person, what is the optimum way of proceeding, do you think?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?

Cinnie Noble

Cinnie Noble is a certified coach (PCC) and mediator and a former lawyer specializing in conflict management coaching. She is the author of two coaching books: Conflict Management Coaching: The CINERGY™ Model and Conflict Mastery: Questions to Guide You. MORE >

Featured Mediators

View all

Read these next


Negotiating, as a Precursor to an Attack

From Colin Rule's blog. Reuel Marc Gerecht in the NYT 2/20/08: "The Bush administration should advocate direct, unconditional talks between Washington and Tehran. Strategically, politically and morally, such meetings will...

By Colin Rule

The Other ADR

Mediation Blog by Diane CohenI recently had two unsatisfying small dollar amount purchases, which I would have never pursued in small claims court, but which got resolved happily through the...

By Diane Cohen

Replacing the “Blame Game” with a “New Game Plan”

Dispute Settlement Counsel by Michael ZeytoonianTwo recent Boston Globe stories (2 21 13) stood out for their common theme – that of laying blame and finding fault. One article entitled...

By Michael A. Zeytoonian

Find a Mediator