Find Mediators Near You:

Spark a Shift in Perspective with this Question

It’s hard to get fresh perspective about our situation or the other person when we’re trapped inside a conflict. This simple question is excellent for tempering our certainty, engaging our curiosity, and sparking a shift in perspective when we need it most.

Before I was a mediator, I was a college dean, VP, and assistant professor. And before that, I was an assistant dean. A large portion of that job called on me to deal with student behavior problems.

I had countless conversations with countless undergraduates about making different behavior choices in the classroom, the dorm room, and off campus.

Fortunately, the dean I reported to was an incredible mentor. To this day, long past my own tenure as a dean, I still use some of the ideas and methods I learned from Kay all those years ago.

One of them was this: Whenever you think you know why somebody did something, ask, What else could this be?

I’ve seen others use this question over the years, but as far as I’m concerned, Kay asked it first.

When you’re ticked off about the way they treated you, give yourself the gift of fresh perspective by asking, What else could this be?

When your spouse or teen does that thing that so frustrates you, and you’re so very sure you know why, ask yourself, What else could this be?

When an employee or a client is so trapped by their own certainty, help them find their own shift in perspective by asking, What else could this be?

Sometimes, a person isn’t ready to consider the question yet in any real way. So plant a seed and allow it some time to germinate. If it’s an important conflict, it will be worth tending to.

                        author

Tammy Lenski

Dr. Tammy Lenski helps individuals, pairs, teams, and audiences navigate disagreement better, address friction, and build alignment. Her current work centers on creating the conditions for robust collaboration and sound decisions while fostering resilient personal and professional relationships. Her conflict resolution podcast and blog, Disagree Better, are available at https://tammylenski.com/archives/… MORE >

Featured Mediators

ad
View all

Read these next

Category

Nurturance or Protection: Understanding the Motivations of Intimate Partners in Conflict

International Center for Cooperation and Conflict Resolution by Nick ReddingThe idea that individuals approach relationship conflicts with varying motivations is not new. One way of understanding intimate partner motivation is...

By Nick Redding
Category

Values

Oftentimes, all we need to do to resolve a dispute is arrive at an agreed-upon value for the subject of the dispute--whether that is a lawsuit, or a company, or...

By Joe Markowitz
Category

From Hate and Harm to Aid and Advocacy

ICT for PeacebuildingAngelo Fernando, in addition to being a long-standing columnist in the Lanka Monthly Digest (LMD) is also the author of a new book, Chat Republic: How Social Media...

By Angelo Fernando, Nick Redding
×