Sorry, I’m Not Sorry

From Amy Seraday’s Blog Compass Mediation

A colleague of mine, Bryant Galindo, recently wrote about a very interesting technique he uses when counseling professionals and entrepreneurs through his consulting firm, Collabs HQ.  Bryant had a client who would say “I’m sorry” whenever she received feedback, even when that feedback was constructive.   He encouraged her to say “thank you” instead… and that little shift in perspective dramatically improved her ability to collaborate.

So of course when I read Bryant’s story, I immediately thought about how this technique might be useful outside of the workplace too. Could this be helpful at home with our families, friends, and our loved ones? Think about it…  How often do we say “I’m sorry” when there is really nothing to apologize for?  I wanted to learn more so that I could share this tidbit of wisdom with my clients (and use it myself!).  I am grateful to Bryant for finding a few minutes in his busy schedule to catch up with an old friend and talk about apologies vs. gratitude.

You are probably wondering why apologizing is a bad thing.  I know I was.  I mean, isn’t is simply polite to say you are sorry?  And the answer is maybe. Sometimes.   According to Bryant, apologizing “can be problematic when a person just unconsciously engages in the behavior without actually needing to apologize.”  There will be times when an apology is warranted. But when it isn’t, apologizing closes you off to hearing what the other person is saying.

Think of it this way.  Saying “I’m sorry” shuts the door.  Saying “thank you” throws the door wide open.

Open is good!  Open means you are taking it in and processing the information you are hearing. Then it’s up to you what you do with that information.  Using gratitude doesn’t mean you have to agree with the feedback.  It isn’t a sign of weakness.  In fact, it’s the opposite.  Bryant says that a shift to gratitude “empowers the person to acknowledge the situation as is.”  More than that, it will make your sincere apologies more impactful!

So how does this translate into real life?  Imagine you are with your aging parent, and they critique something you are doing.  Before spitting out a quick “sorry” and moving on, try gratitude instead.  "Thank you for that feedback, Mom."  Maybe follow it up with another question.  Remember, that door is wide open now.  Walk on through!  "What about your way of doing this works better for you?” Now you are not only listening to the feedback, you are learning something new about each other and how to negotiate a changing dynamic between parent and child.

By using gratitude instead, you’ve made space for more conversation.  Maybe it will help.  Maybe it won’t.  But gratitude allows you to stay open to the possibilities and keeps that good communication flowing.

author

Jim Melamed

Jim Melamed co-founded Mediate.com in 1996 along with John Helie and served as CEO of Mediate.com through June 2020 (25 years).  Jim is currently Board Chair and General Counsel for Resourceful Internet Solutions, Inc. (RIS), home to Mediate.com, Arbitrate.com, ODR.com and other leading dispute resolution sites. During Jim's tenure, Mediate.com… MORE

Featured Mediators

ad
View all

Read these next

Category

Obstacles to Creativity in Mediation

From the Mediation Matters Blog of Steve Mehta.One of the key things that a mediator can provide for clients is the ability to think creatively. Indeed, some would say that...

By Steve Mehta
Category

Mediation In Healthcare

While the use of mediation for conflict resolution is gaining strength in a number of industries, a recent accreditation standard (LD.01.03.01) issued by The Joint Commission is expected to prompt...

By Holly Hayes
Category

ADR in Africa

Business Conflict Blog by Peter Phillips The final paper from a student in the International Commercial Dispute Resolution course at New York Law School discusses the present state of commercial...

By F. Peter Phillips

Find a Mediator

X
X
X