Find Mediators Near You:

Finding New Solutions for Parent-Teen Conflict

From Lorraine Segal’s Conflict Remedy Blog

Successful communication and conflict resolution with teenagers can be immensely challenging. When parents find an approach that helped, it is natural to hope it will work again. Unfortunately, as teens change and grow, those old solutions may not be effective any more. And when parents keep applying the same methods, harder, faster, more insistently, because they don’t know what else to do, problems escalate instead of resolving.

This very human phenomena is called The Einstellung Effect. David Brooks summarizes it as, “..Try(ing) to solve problems by using solutions that worked in the past instead of looking at each situation on its own terms.”

The name comes to us from the field of international affairs, but the idea of unhooking from assumptions and past solutions, looking at each situation anew in order to resolve conflicts in present time, is as valuable to parents and teens as it is to nations.

If parents are stuck, how can they apply this concept to their problems with teens? Here are some suggestions:

  • Accept the current reality. We all need to acknowledge, however reluctantly, that the old ways aren’t working anymore and we need to try something new.
  • Look within. What do you really want from your teen? Set aside your favorite solutions and ask yourself what your bottom line concern and need is.
  • Listen to understand. What is your teen feeling and thinking? What does he/she need? Again, you don’t have to agree to listen and reflect back what you hear.
  • Brainstorm. Ask yourself and your teen to open up to creative problem solving. What new ideas might help you both get what you need?
  • Get support as needed. In my experience, it is never easy to put aside preconceptions, fears, hopes and past patterns. A mediator, conflict coach, spiritual counselor or therapist can help parents and teens understand and practice new approaches.
  • It takes effort and time, but a willingness to change can create a bridge from the old to the new, and open possibilities for improved communication and greater harmony with teens.
                        author

Lorraine Segal

After surviving the 50's and 60's, as well as twenty years in toxic academia as a tenured professor, Lorraine Segal was inspired to started her own business, Conflict Remedy (ConflictRemedy.com), happily teaching, coaching, blogging and consulting around workplace conflict transformation. She is addicted to reading novels and enjoys walking and… MORE >

Featured Mediators

ad
View all

Read these next

Category

Psychological Aspects Of Divorce: A Primer For Mediators and Collaborative Lawyers

Divorce is an action born out of lost hope by one or both partners about their marriage. It is important for mediators and collaborative lawyers to be aware of the...

By Offra Gerstein
Category

Great Reads Book Club – Lorraine Segal, interviewed by Alesia Grace Thompson

The August 2022 edition of Mediate.com's Great Reads Book Club: "Angels and Earthworms: an unexpected journey to love, joy, and miracles" by Lorraine Segal, interviewed by Alesia Grace Thompson. Angels...

By Lorraine Segal, Alesia Grace Thompson
Category

Mediation and its Role in Adult Education

Mediation is one of the tools in conflict resolution. It is one response to resolve conflicts, outside of the judiciary system, within A.D.R. = Alternative Dispute Resolution. Mediation is a...

By David Silvera
×