When I’m mediating, coaching, or training, there are moments I want to illustrate why resistance builds up. There are moments I want to help someone understand in a quick and visceral way that pushing their agenda relentlessly is contributing to getting things good and stuck.
In those moments, I often turn to one of my favorite conflict resolution activities, the Fist Press. It’s a 60-second exercise with an enduring message. I first saw a version years ago in a Tom Crum video and it never fails to make the point.
Try it right now and you’ll see its power. Turn to your spouse or teenager or colleague across the hall. Then…
I’ve done this exercise literally hundreds of times. I have not yet had a single person who did not automatically increase or decrease the pressure against my fist the equivalent amount I increased or decreased my pressure. One hundred percent matched the force I put out. One hundred percent!
I don’t like someone to feel duped or stupid, so I always make a point of highlighting that every single person does the same thing they did. I tell them that it’s like we’re wired to deliver exactly the amount of force we feel like we’re receiving and that’s why, in conflict, things can get so stuck. We push, they push back. They push, we push back. And since so much of the pushing happens subconsciously, resistance builds stealthily until we grind to a frustrated halt.
In mediation: I’ll use this in a private meeting (aka caucus) when I want to help a participant understand the impact their own pressure or pushing is having on the other participant(s). I’ll use the exercise as a way into a strategic exploration about how to stop pushing so hard and choose another way through the conversation with my help.
In coaching: I like this exercise when I’m working with a client who’s hired me to help them become less reactive in tough negotiations and/or conflict situations. Since I’m usually coaching by phone or skype, I’ll walk them through the steps and have them do the exercise a few times with people around them after our call. Then we’ll talk about it in our next conversation and use the learning to consider alternative habits that can yield different results for them.
In conflict resolution training: Audiences always tell me this is a highly memorable exercise. And I make a very special point of deeply thanking the person in the front row whom I randomly chose to do the exercise with me (or the volunteer who came up to the front of the room).
"O wad some Power the giftie gie us, To see oursels as ithers see us!" My Scottish mother was fond of quoting Robert Burns and I still recall her describing...By Tammy Lenski