Interpersonal conflict is often deflating. Our egos, self-esteem, confidence, mood and other parts of us can all be negatively influenced when we are in dispute. Who the other person is, the subject matter, what she or he said or didn’t say (or did or didn’t do), and the attitude and facial or body language we observed – any number of these and other things could provoke us. I think I can safely say though, most of us experience moments like this when we are feeling deflated after a conflict.
What I notice from many of my conflict management coaching clients when conflicts negatively effect and linger for them is the tendency to be hard on themselves and go to places that reflect old habits. These include engaging in self-blame or blaming the other person, withdrawing, using silences, and reacting in other ways that demonstrate their default system.
If you have a tendency to go to a default (an old conflict habit that isn’t good for you) – even when you try not to – you might find this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog of relevance.
When you are not being good to yourself, after or during a conflict, and go instead to a negative place, what do you tend to think about yourself at these times?
What feelings usually accompany the thoughts you refer to in the previous question?
In what other ways is the place you go to hard on you?
When you think about it, what makes this a place you gravitate to during or after a dispute?
When do you not go to that negative place during or after conflict?
What makes the difference?
What thoughts may you draw on to replace your negative ones, rather than go to your default place?
If you were to be good to yourself during a conflict, what would you do differently? What different feeling would accompany that shift?
If you were to be good to yourself after a conflict, what would you do differently? What different feeling would accompany that shift?
What will it take for you to orchestrate the shifts so that you will be better to yourself during a conflict? What will it take for you to orchestrate the shifts so that you will be better to yourself after a conflict?
What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
What insights do you have?