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<xTITLE>Conflict: Getting In Our Own Way</xTITLE>

Conflict: Getting In Our Own Way

by Cinnie Noble
October 2019

Conflict Management Coaching Blog by Cinnie Noble

Cinnie Noble

It happens, at times, that we get in our own way when a conflict erupts or is about to. This means doing things like making assumptions about the other person without checking them out; blaming; taking all the responsibility; not taking any responsibility; yielding; avoiding; name-calling; withdrawing; having selective recall that serves us only; not forgiving; not apologizing for our part; and so on.

These and other ways we might choose to manage a fractious interaction get in our way of effective engagement and satisfactory resolution. Essentially, by choosing to speak and act in counterproductive ways, we sabotage a dispute’s potential for success, for reconciliation and for mutual understanding.

Your answers to the following questions about a specific situation in which you may have gotten in your way might provide insights into how and why:

  • What was the situation?
  • In what ways did you get in your own way?
  • For what reasons did you do that (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What about how you got in your way in that situation indicates a pattern you have about how you generally manage conflict?
  • What sorts of triggers bring on that way of reacting, i.e. the person, the issue(s), the dynamic between you and the other person, etc.?
  • What metaphor might describe you or the method you use to get in your own way when in conflict?
  • What happens when you get in your way? What stops you from getting out of your own way?
  • What methods have you used to get out of your own way in the past?
  • How might one or more of those methods work in the situation you described (in response to the first question)?
  • How might you stop yourself from getting in your way in the future?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?

Biography


Cinnie Noble is a certified coach (PCC) and mediator and a former lawyer specializing in conflict management coaching. She is the author of two coaching books: Conflict Management Coaching: The CINERGY™ Model and Conflict Mastery: Questions to Guide You.



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