Once the decision has been made to divorce there are many constructive steps to be taken which will protect both partners from allowing their feelings to run haywire and dictate important decisions and actions which will be taken now. It is so important to realize that this is a time when both partners are experiencing a significant sense of loss of control. Many try to overcome this feeling by controlling the other, dominating, blaming, or generally trying to take charge of finances, children, or some person or activity in their lives.
This behavior only creates more struggle and opposition. The more we blame, demand and control another, the more they will resist. Positions will be taken, parties will dig in, and wise choices and decisions will be forestalled.
Below are a couple of simple steps which can work as antidotes to the natural upset and insecurity one feels.
1) Realize that your partner is not your enemy. At this point in time you both have come to a juncture where you wish to live apart. There is much that has been positive that you have shared together. You may well have a relationship in the future around the children, or shared family and friends. It is best to start this new relationship on a positive, constructive basis.
2) Focus on that which you respect about your partner and yourself. Realize that because the marriage is ending, it does not mean that you have not succeeded in many areas, and will not have happiness in the future. See this as a challenge you both face, which can help you both to grow.
3) Be mindful about the ways in which you communicate to your partner. Make sure you offer respect, both in words and tone. Although this may not be the way you are “feeling” at the moment, it is wise to counteract negative feelings and not allow them to run the show. This choice will provide many wonderful returns in the future.
Dr Brenda Shoshanna is a long term psychologist, certified family and divorce mediator, relationship expert and award winning author. She guides couples through a creative, fair and constructive way of resolving their relationships and designing a blueprint for the future, which works for all. Learn more at: http://www.creativedivorcemediation.blogstpot.com. Contact her at: topspeaker@yahoo.com, www.brendashoshanna.com, or (212) 288-0028
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