I recently attended a political rally in which a member of Congress jokingly commented that it would be nice to have an elected official “who didn’t seem like he should be in remedial education.” I was angered, as were others with whom I later spoke, to hear such an insensitive remark coming from a congressman for whom I have high regard. I'm similarly dismayed when I hear the trendy use of "you’re so retarded" in pop culture or people making jokes about kids taking the "short bus." For me, this type of humor has the same net worth as racist, sexist or other damaging language that demeans people for aspects of their life that are outside their control. It’s a sad fact that hurtful and ignorant choices of language pop up all too frequently in our daily lives, particularly in regard to disability, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation and gender.

Some language is obviously not okay. Other language requires a deeper understanding to be pegged as problematic. I was recently with a close friend who was bristling over the use of the term “confined to a wheelchair” in a local publication. She wondered out loud if the author thought that she couldn’t get out of the chair and that her “backside (not her exact choice of words) was welded to the seat.”  The term “confined to a wheelchair” is used all the time in place of “uses a wheelchair.” For most people, the use of a commonplace phrase like “confined to a wheelchair” isn’t intended to be annoying but just reflects ignorance.

This is often the case with offensive terms or language – we don’t intend our casual remarks to be rude or antagonistic. Good intentions, however, don’t justify bad effects. If we want to align our intentions with our effect, we need to take the time to learn appropriate and respectful language and also to become aware of and not use terms that are annoying or upsetting. Likewise, when we hear others use offensive terms in conversation or in jokes, we need to find ways of letting them know without attacking their intentions.

Many of us were taught the “Golden Rule” early in life:  “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” While basically a good idea, the “Golden Rule” assumes that everyone wants to be treated the same way that we do. The “Golden Rule” is a good standard that is further improved upon in the “Platinum Rule” which says: “do unto others as they want to be done unto." The adjustment, while apparently slight, obligates us to learn more about how people wish to be treated rather than assuming that they want the same treatment that we do. Learning about people and their preferences brings us closer to them and reduces the likelihood that we will unwittingly offend.

Getting our language right, and not tolerating with silence language that humiliates or offends, will help us to create a community and world that is welcoming to all.

Marshall Peter