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The Art of Forgiving by Lewis B. Smedes A Book Review by G. P. Bailey, Ph.D.
Smedes says there are 3 stages to the process including discovering the humanity of the one who hurt us, surrendering our right to get even, and revising our feelings toward the one we forgive. This process is especially relevant in a culture that is often caught up in either/or extremes. People often make the mistake of seeing a person who offends us as the epitome of evil. The more reasonable view is that many people face challenges and frustrations that lead them to make poor choices in conflict situations. They are living the consequences of their actions without the extra we might add. Besides, seeing the humanity of people can give us new eyes for relating to them.
There are a lot of questions about the forgiving process. If I forgive, do I have to accept the offender as if nothing ever happened? What kinds of things do I forgive offenders for? Should every offense, no matter how reprehensible, be forgiven? What if the offender is not sorry? Is there an appropriate time to forgive? What if I feel wounded by God? How do I forgive myself? To begin, forgiveness is a process that occurs inside the forgiver. The offender need not be sorry or join the process of forgiveness, although the relationship is helped a lot by forgivers and offenders working together. And, there is a difference between forgiving and restoring relations. The offender has consequences of actions to face regardless of forgiveness. And most importantly, forgivers should not feel obligated to go back into potentially offensive situations. Also, not everyone is in a place to forgive. If you were not offended or did not know you were offended, you don’t have anything to forgive. In some cases, a person represents a class of people that were offended. A German officer during WWII asked Simon Wiesenthal, a Jew, to forgive him for the atrocities he committed. Smede would say that the offense was not Simon’s to forgive. And finally, one must have an inner desire to forgive—until you really feel a need to forgive, it won’t really happen. Some people may say that every offense should be forgiven. Smede suggests that there are offenses that are so morally wrong that forgiveness is not humanly reasonable. In other words, our human capacity to forgive has limits. In our minds we can temper justice with mercy but some offenses go beyond what mercy can humanly do. God’s forgiveness, however, has no human limitations. For offenses we can forgive, to do it right, we must approach it honestly. To make forgiveness real, we must acknowledge what really happened and then allow our spirit to give up the desire for vengeance. When we do forgive, we are free from having to relive the pain of our wounds. Smede says that this is a natural process—it suits the human spirit to release pain, and the process increases our capacity to love. When we are in pain, we have to focus on self. Forgiveness gets beyond the self, providing personal healing and increasing our potential for relational healing as well. Some offensive actions do not require forgiveness because the behavior is excusable. This means you understand the behavior of an offender as a reasonable response to the situation. A violent act may be explained as an act of self-defense. If the explanation seems reasonable, the act may be excused. If not, the offender is blamed for an unreasonable negative action. This makes the offender a candidate for forgiveness. Most forgiving is for other people who commit offenses against us. Self and God are two other cases for considering forgiveness. Forgiving self or forgiving God may seem strange but both have merits. Our social ability to see self enables us to forgive ourselves for offenses we commit. When we offend ourselves and blame self for negative acts, we can forgive and release the pain. Self forgiveness does not, however, cover our offenses against others. Sometimes our offenses against self also hurt others, in which case we need to seek forgiveness from the offended. Sometimes children forgive parents for actions such as discipline. Humans can forgive God like children forgive disciplinary action by parents. When we blame God for our pain, we exhibit child like behavior. And just as a parent loves a child through the pain, so God will love all of His children through their pain. As we mature as human beings, we learn to take ownership for our pain--to understand it, evaluate it, and take the responsibility for processing it. This is how God heals our wounds and grows our capacity to love. In our culture of immediate satisfaction, we like to eliminate pains quickly. But when it comes to forgiving, there are no quick fixes. Forgiving too fast is sometimes immaturity but it could also be used as a manipulative tool to take advantage of someone or to avoid pain. Some people wait too long to forgive, which also happens when we try to avoid our pain. Louis Smedes concludes his book “The Art of Forgiveness” by reminding readers that some acts are intolerable, that intolerable acts are forgivable, and that forgiving intolerable acts does not make the act tolerable or without consequence. He wants readers to remember that deep wounds cannot be forgotten but in forgiveness we live in hope, not the wound. He reminds us that there are good things that come from forgiving. I agree.
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