Always A Godmother, Never A God—Power And Control In The Workplace
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From Lorraine Segal's Conflict Remedy Blog January 2010 |
Unrealistic attempts to control bosses, co-workers, or employees at meetings or individually can be huge sources of conflict in the workplace. When I recently saw this humorous title of a Gilmore Girls episode, Always a Godmother, Never a God, I thought of the frustration my students and conflict coaching clients express about control issues at work. I have also dealt with these myself as a program coordinator with a supervisor, employees, and co-workers.
Many workplaces are not the most comfortable, well run places to be. I’m sure we all at times attempt to figure out what’s wrong and what needs to change. Maybe, like me, you have been sure that your analysis of the problems in the workplace is the correct one, that if only other people would listen to your brilliant ideas and do things your way, the workplace would function much better.
Years ago, I used to take this further; even if people didn’t listen at first, I explained persistently, convinced that if I could only find the perfect words, everyone would realize my suggestions were best. If that didn’t work, I would try other forms of manipulation. I unconsciously had the delusion that I was an omniscient workplace “god” who could reveal the path of truth. I would be surprised when my efforts backfired, and people would resent me or manipulate back instead of being grateful.
I have learned the hard way that we can’t control other people or make them different; we can’t even make ourselves change. But, it is possible be a “godmother” of change. We can truly listen to the concerns and ideas of others without ignoring our own. We can recognize, with compassion, that others want to be right and be heard just as much as we do, and that it strengthens an organization’s effectiveness and harmony when we honor a number of perspectives.
Biography
Lorraine Segal, M.A., has her own Sonoma County mediation, conflict coaching, and training business, Conflict Remedy, based in Santa Rosa, California. She specializes in teen-parent communication. She teaches classes at Sonoma State University in conflict resolution and leads communication skills workshops for parents, teens, and professionals through Recourse Mediation Services and other local nonprofits. Her coaching services are available by telephone as well as face to face.
As well as communication workshops, she has offered workshops and presentations on conflict resolution at work and in relationships including brown bag presentations at worksites, Introduction to Mediation for administration of justice students, Intercultural Communication and Conflict Resolution for Community College Instructors.
Lorraine has led and co-led mediations for organizations, as well as facilitating larger meetings to resolve multi-party conflicts around institutional budgets and worker-administration disputes at non-profit organizations. She has also helped organizations in Napa and Sonoma County create vision and mission statements and helped schools create student learning outcomes.
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