“Happy Wife, Happy Life” and Mediation

Tweet

Studies show that wives initiate two thirds of divorces. This statistic implies that indeed wives’ unhappiness may more frequently lead to divorce than husbands’ dissatisfaction. The concept of gender inequality in marital dissatisfaction is confirmed by a 2009 German study of Australian divorces that notes where there is a disparity on satisfaction of the husband and the wife, divorce is much more likely, especially if the relative dissatisfaction is experienced by the wife. Thus research supports the use of the “Happy Wife, Happy Life” aphorism as a marital reality.

But how do you make your wife happy? Do you buy her things? If that’s the answer, there is an internet site at your service. www.yourhappywife.com (with a tagline of “Unexpected Gestures of Love for Her”) seeks to assist husbands in making their wives happy by helping them choose presents for their wives, which can be conveniently ordered on the website. Actually, the wares are quite attractive, including eco-soap and herbal teas. In addition, the site offers a further service. Husbands needing marital advice can email the site and pose his marital question or problem. “Within 24 hours or sooner”, the person(s) operating the site will respond with the best advice they can give. The site notes that all emails will be kept confidential and, in order to receive the best advice possible, that “honesty is expected” from the husband seeking advice. (I’d like to be a fly on that wall!) But the maxim “Happy Wife, Happy Life” raises many serious questions, among them, what about the man’s happiness? How can you make someone else happy? What do you do if your spouse is unhappy, and you cannot seem to change it? What if you are unhappy? Is there a difference between the ways women achieve happiness in marriage versus the ways men achieve happiness in marriage?

In working with clients (divorcing and otherwise), I have come to think that the maxim is better stated as “Happy Life, Happy Wife (or Husband)”. People get married thinking that the other person can make them happy. (In the beginning of a marriage, that does seem the case, doesn’t it.) As the years of togetherness go on, it becomes clear that personal happiness is the basis of a happy marriage. It is difficult and virtually impossible to make someone else happy.

Many marriages fail because of low levels of happiness of the spouses or a disparity in their levels of contentment. But buying presents on a website will not fix the problem. “Happy Wife, Happy Life” is a superficial fix that does not work in the long run. Our divorce mediation clients often come to us as a result of this flawed method of marriage improvement.

How does the concept of “Happy Life, Happy Wife” play itself out in divorce mediation? How can we visualize the maxim in a way that can assist us in our jobs in working with divorcing couples who choose mediation?

In divorce mediation, clients come to us in all sorts of permutations. In some, the husband wants the divorce and the wife does not. In some, it is the wife that has decided to end the marriage and the husband would prefer to continue it. In some mediations, both parties wish to end the marriage, and face varying degrees of difficulty in how to do it, and what provisions will be fair to them and the children (if they have any). Some couples are on the fence about ending their marriage and just don’t know which direction to go. (For these couples, “mediation to stay married” or “marital mediation” might be suggested as an avenue to explore this situation. Mediation can be a powerful method useful to parties who want to repair their marriage in order to create more satisfaction to the spouses.)

Mental health and emotional intelligence also make a difference. We see clients at the end of their marriages in varying mental and emotional states as they work through the process. Some seem quite strong; some seem shell-shocked. Some are clearly suffering greatly. When the parties are equally strong, it is the optimum time for working with them through mediation. But this is not always the case.

When we have clients who are in pain, hurt, acting out, negative, or in anger, they may be at the lowest point in their emotional lives. Their marriage has “hit bottom”, and they themselves may feel that they have few emotional resources. If there is a disparity in emotional strength, the partner with the low feelings may feel coerced into going forward with the divorce process. But unfortunately, as we know, if one of the parties is determined to have a divorce, the divorce will happen. Mediation can be the least painful way of going through the divorce, so that even if a party is hurting and is not in their most positive emotional condition, it may be very worthwhile to embark on the mediation route.

There are ways to support the unhappy mediation client without sacrificing neutrality or seeming to align with the more ready spouse. One technique is to give the process the time it needs. Space sessions a couple of weeks apart, so that the less ready partner can slowly move towards divorce. This will give the less ready partner time to progress in their thinking about the divorce. That partner becomes less fearful as time goes on and begins to grow stronger. Their mood improves. While one could perhaps not call them “happy”, the unready partner is getting closer to being positive about the future and can start to be able to work on the divorce mediation.

Another element of “Happy Life, Happy Wife” is helping the less ready partner (who can be the Husband or the Wife) positively imagine life on the other side of the divorce. This can be done by something I call “envisioning”. Questions like “where do you see yourself living after the divorce” and “what do you think might change after the divorce” can lead to strong optimistic envisioning of the future. Warm feelings of safety and contentment can flow from these positive thoughts of what life will be like. The more ready partner can support the envisioning of the less ready party, and the planning for the life after divorce. The less ready partner can start to see that a “happy life” and an exciting new future filled with new adventures awaits him or her. This sets the stage for the mediation to go forward with two, strong, “happy” partners who can individually plan for their independent futures.

Yes, there is (or can be) a good life after divorce. That’s what our clients are trying to achieve in divorcing, and it is our responsibility as mediators to help them attain that goal. It is important to help our clients be strong and positive psychologically and emotionally as they go through their divorce mediation. And our work in helping our clients envision a positive future with new opportunities is as important as our work in helping clients come to the practical agreements needed to end their marriages.

© 2010 Laurie Israel. All rights reserved.

Biography

Tweet

Comments

Tweet

---

Free subscription to comments on this article

Add Brief Comment

Martin  Rosenfeld,   Fair Lawn NJ	rosenfeld@juno.com      07/11/10
Laurie Israel always has someting new and important to say. I refer many of her articles to clients. The article shows how mediation can do something that the adversarial system could not even touch, i.e. planning for post-divorce. Great article. Add New Comment

Linda Gryczan,   Helena MT	lindag@mediationworks.tv      07/06/10
Envisioning
"..helping the less ready partner positively imagine life on the other side of the divorce... Questions like 'where do you see yourself living after the divorce' and 'what do you think might change after the divorce'" is a useful tool that I will incorporate in my mediation practice. Add New Comment

James Preston,   Washington DC	jamespreston@justiceandmediation.com      07/06/10
Happy Wife, Happy Life
I find articles like this engaging because most make mention of studies and theories about a topic that has been talked about and recycled since recorded civilization. It's sad and appalling that our nation has one of the largest rates of divorce in the world where religion and faith abounds, and at one time was the backbone of family and society. What went wrong? What I have observed is this, we don't take the time to talk to each other anymore; everyone is on deadline for something. And, there was a time when folk felt that they had to get married by the magical age of 30, or you ran the risk of being by yourself. I guess that fear applied to some women more than men. I have a simple solution, I believe, for men that can almost guarantee a happy wife and a happy life together. First, invest time to get to know the woman that you think you want to marry, and please make certain that she really wants to marry you and not in a hurry to just get married to beat the deadline or some other fictitious goal. Second, have a series of (crucial) conversations about expectations of each other and what a life together might look like from each other's perspective; just be open and honest about it. Keep political correctness out of the conversation; keep it simple and to the point. There are no right or wrong answers, it's a conversation about a journey together, forever. Third, marry a friend and not a fantasy. Real friends share their hearts and minds with each other without being pretentious, usually. Fake friends do the opposite. Fourth, know and understand that you will NOT always agree on everything; that's life. Understand that each other are (equal) partners and have voice in all matters and decisions that affect each other. A dictatorship will doom a a marriage in short order. Today's real women aren't hearing or taking a lot of nonsense, especially when they are capable of living without--you. Fifth, love each other unconditionally; neither of you are going to remain the same in appearance the way you started out together. Always, always have time for each other, no matter what. Treat your bodies like a temple of gold and like God loved the church; and don't allow them to crumble from the stresses of life. And, if you ever think the grass is greener on another side, try watering your own lawn, first. Last but not least, learn to (listen) to each other and don't dismiss each other out of hand, just because you don't want to hear what is being said. Don't argue. Talk to each other respectfully and not at each other. Men in particular can learn a lot from women, when they take time to listen. Most importantly, don't forget to maintain a healthy, compatible, and enjoyable sex life. That will make both of you happy. This is not complicated, only if you want it to be. Add New Comment

The views expressed by authors are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Resourceful Internet Solutions, Inc., Mediate.com or of reviewing editors.