Cool As A Cucumber
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From Jeff Thompson's Enjoy Mediation Blog July 2009 |
Practice what you preach. Be the change you want to see in others. Change starts with you.
The above statements are all commonly heard throughout our ADR lives. Today, I suggest reflecting on them in the capacity of being “Cool As A Cucumber”. Before and during heated exchanges or outburst in a negotiation, as the negotiator and possibly more importantly as the mediator, displaying a calm and cool demeanor has the ability to de-escalate the situation.
Based on personal experience it works. It works in violent confrontations, neighbor disputes, and co-worker misunderstandings (plus everything else!).
Methods I use to try and prevent myself from getting caught up in a heated exchange is preparing for what to do if someone tries to bait me, make accusations or be confrontational. Preparing myself helps diminish the opportunity for negative situations to arise as I firmly believe exhibiting a cooperative and collaborative approach is contagious. I remind myself to remember to respond not react.
In Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate, Fisher and Shapiro mention possibly options to cool your emotional temperature.
- Slowly count back from ten.
- Breathe deeply three times, in through your nose, out through your mouth.
- Pause.
- Adopt a relaxed position: sit back, cross your ankles, let your hands rest on your lap or table.
- Let upsetting or offensive comments fly by and hit the wall behind you.
For those interested in learning and possibly practicing more breathing and relaxation techniques, within the next month I am going to post a brief introduction to meditation and some simple exercises that anyone, regardless of religious preference, can use to help be mindful during their mediations and negotiations while also acknowledging the emotions that are present in both yourself and the other party(s).
If you find Fisher and Shapiro’s tips helpful, I suggest purchasing their book to get the full list mentioned above as well as other powerful advice for handling emotions during negotiations or mediations.
Finally, who would ever have thought a cucumber would be in your ADR toolbox? Now you will never look at a cucumber the same way again!
[1] Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro, Beyond Reason: Using Emotions As You Negotiate (New York: Penguin Books, 2005) 150.
Biography
Jeff Thompson is a certified international mediator. He is also a law enforcement detective in New York. His law enforcement role include a being a communication and conflict specialist, interfaith dialogue, developing and implementing community engagement programs, and designing training workshops.
Jeff is currently a PhD candidate researching nonverbal communication and mediation at Griffith University Law School. He also received his MS in Negotiation and Dispute Resolution from the Creighton University School of Law. Jeff has presented and trained on the topic of conflict, mediation, communication and nonverbal communication internationally and has been published and featured with numerous international media organizations. He currently writes also at PsychologyToday.com.
(All posts by Jeff Thompson represent his personal reflections and opinions as a mediator and not that of any organization.)
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