Golden Nuggets
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From Jeff Thompson's Enjoy Mediation Blog May 2009 |
Today's edition is if you pressed for time to give out your most valuable tips on communication, what would it be?
Tip one: I would say listen to what others are saying, don't just 'hear them'. Listening to them gives you valuable information and when you want more, ask an open ended question. Listen more than you speak.
Tip two would be when you do speak, chose your words and how you say them very carefully.
Tip three would be do not let emotions get the best of you. Stay calm, be the peace you want to see in others! Letting emotions get the best of you prevents you from fully being present to listen effectively and even worse, you will most say things you did not want to say.
What would you say?
The Ombuds Office at the University of Hawaii (talk about a dream job!) gives out these three tips (from here):
What you say and how you say it
*Use neutral language. Describe what you saw or heard. What sights and sounds would a video cam have recorded? "Edit out" any judgment, criticism or interpretation of what was seen or heard. * Own the message. I feel, I wish, I hope, I would like to ask. Let the conversation be about your needs or values, not what is (perceived to be) wrong with the other person, or what that person did or did not do.
What you hear and how you hear it
*Try to empathize with what the other person is feeling. By offering empathy you are simply creating a connection with the person - not stating that you agree with what was done or said.
*Acknowledge and make sure you understand the information being given to you. It's often helpful to repeat what you heard to make sure you got it right.
What you do with the information
*Seek to understand the interests (needs, values, wants) of the other person. Ask for help in understanding why they are important to him or her.
*Search for common ground and a better future. Focus on what is desirable and possible now - you can't negotiate the past.
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Biography
Jeff Thompson is a certified international mediator. He is also a law enforcement detective in New York. His law enforcement role include a being a communication and conflict specialist, interfaith dialogue, developing and implementing community engagement programs, and designing training workshops.
Jeff is currently a PhD candidate researching nonverbal communication and mediation at Griffith University Law School. He also received his MS in Negotiation and Dispute Resolution from the Creighton University School of Law. Jeff has presented and trained on the topic of conflict, mediation, communication and nonverbal communication internationally and has been published and featured with numerous international media organizations. He currently writes also at PsychologyToday.com.
(All posts by Jeff Thompson represent his personal reflections and opinions as a mediator and not that of any organization.)
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