From Anger to Open Heart with Teens
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From Lorraine Segal's Conflict Remedy Blog May 2011 |
You start what seems like a simple conversation with your teen, but before you even know what happened, you’re screaming at each other. How did you get to this horrible place so fast with someone you deeply love?
Our feelings are an essential part of communication and relationships, but unmanaged anger can sabotage us. When we’re angry, we can’t listen or resolve problems well, and any loving connection is blocked.
So what can parents and teens do in the heat of confrontation to handle anger and make space for positive communication? Here are some suggestions:
Name the emotion
Ask yourself–What am I feeling at this moment? (I’m angry, frustrated, fed-up, furious). This acknowledgement diminishes the impact of emotion, helping us detach from the intensity.
Notice your physical response
Ask yourself–What is happening right now in my body? (My face is starting to get hot, my hands are clinching, my breathing is restricted, my heart is pounding). This also helps with detachment and centering.
Take regular deep breathes
Many meditation practices teach breathing. Here is one simple exercise: Breathe in through your nose counting to three, breathe out through your mouth counting to three, then repeat with four. Think to yourself: I am breathing in peace, I am breathing out peace.
Take a time out.
Sometimes taking a short break can help us remember and apply these techniques.
These simple suggestions can help us begin to manage anger instead of letting it subvert us. It takes some practice to remember them in the crucial moment, but when we do, we open our hearts to connection and compassionate listening.
Some ideas for this post came from Anastasia Pryanikova, M.A., J.D. http://brainalchemist.com
Biography
Lorraine Segal, M.A., has her own Sonoma County mediation, conflict coaching, and training business, Conflict Remedy, based in Santa Rosa, California. She specializes in teen-parent communication. She teaches classes at Sonoma State University in conflict resolution and leads communication skills workshops for parents, teens, and professionals through Recourse Mediation Services and other local nonprofits. Her coaching services are available by telephone as well as face to face.
As well as communication workshops, she has offered workshops and presentations on conflict resolution at work and in relationships including brown bag presentations at worksites, Introduction to Mediation for administration of justice students, Intercultural Communication and Conflict Resolution for Community College Instructors.
Lorraine has led and co-led mediations for organizations, as well as facilitating larger meetings to resolve multi-party conflicts around institutional budgets and worker-administration disputes at non-profit organizations. She has also helped organizations in Napa and Sonoma County create vision and mission statements and helped schools create student learning outcomes.
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