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Who ya Gonna Punish?

by Vivian Scott
October 2011

Conflicts of Interest Blog by Vivian Scott

Vivian Scott

Here’s another one of those “I-wish-people-would-stop-doing-that” blogs.

Disappointing relationships often cause good people to do really dreadful things. And, punishing the wrong person for your disappointment is definitely a dreadful thing. I see loads of mediation clients who insist on using their children as sticks and carrots when it comes to dealing with their exes. Problem is, they don’t see that in their attempts to reward and punish the person who hurt them greatly they are greatly hurting their children. Revenge is not so sweet when it sours your relationship with the kids. It’s even worse when you think your actions are okay.

Many of my mediation cohorts and I have come to the conclusion that children deserve two parents no matter how stinky you think the other one is. I’m not a therapist but I’m pretty sure that your kids won’t grow up to thank you for all the times you cancelled a visit as punishment for their other parentwho was 10 minutes late to the meeting spot. Your little ones won’t always be little and when they’re grown they most likely won’t appreciate you for using them as pawns in a poorly-played game of I’m-so-mad-at-you-I-could-spit chess.

Trying to be the mature player in a game like that is really hard, but it’s worth it. Actions do speak louder than words and demonstrating maturity to your children can be more impactful than pulling out the dictionary to read the definition. Demonstrating communication, forgiveness, and hope is powerful.

At the end of the day, what feels fair to you may not be fair for your children. Of course you want to save your little ones from disappointment and the reality that parents don’t always keep their word. So, I understand wanting to “take away” something from your ex so that (s)he gets the message that it’s not okay for them to do that to little schmoopie. Sometimes the conflict that comes your way can be a great teaching tool, though. Showing children how to compromise, how to discover what’s most important to them, and how to keep their integrity even when others don’t keep theirs are pretty good life lessons–certainly better than lessons like displaced anger, sabotage, and revenge.

Biography


Vivian Scott is a Professional Certified Mediator and the author of Conflict Resolution at Work For Dummies.  She spent many years in the competitive and often stress-filled world of high tech marketing where she realized resolving conflict within the confines of office politics was paramount to success.  Through creative solutions to common conflicts she was able to bring various entities together, both internally and externally, for the betterment of projects and a productive working environment.     

Prior to retiring from Microsoft in 1999 she developed the “America at Work” video series, a six-part program featuring small businesses employing technology in attention-grabbing ways.  “America at Work” aired on the USA Network and received the Silver Screen Award from the International Film and Video Festival for outstanding creativity.   Using discerning negotiation, mediation, and problem-solving skills, she successfully worked with others to co-create “How-to Guides”, “Seminar in a Box”, and even one of the first on-line Guerrilla Marketing books.   

Since her retirement, Ms. Scott has gone on to earn a B.A. in Interdisciplinary Arts & Sciences with a concentration in American Studies from the University of Washington.  She completed an extensive practicum with the Dispute Resolution Center of Snohomish & Island Counties where she has mediated numerous cases, helping parties resolve conflict in workplace, family, and other disputes.  Her private mediation practice has handled cases ranging from assisting business partners in ending their relationship to creating a new working environment within a law firm.  Ms. Scott is a member of the Washington Mediation Association and spends a majority of her time advocating embracing peace in a volatile world.   

Her book, Conflict Resolution at Work For Dummies, can be found in bookstores, on www.amazon.com, www.dummies.com, or any number of on-line bookseller sites.    



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Website: www.vivianscottmediation.com

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