Mediation Monster Mash-up

by Brad Heckman
October 2013 Brad Heckman

To quote Frankenstein’s monster, FIRE BAD. Mediators take a different view. We fearlessly go toward the heat in conflict, giving our clients a safe space for tough conversations…no matter how scary. Here’s a round-up of my Halloween tweets quoting mediators working with monstrous, er, misunderstood, clients.

“So you want your brain for thinking — and you want his brain for food. What I’m hearing is that brains are important to BOTH of you.”

“This sounds like a really grave issue, Count Dracula. see, mediators love puns…agghh that hurts…fangs for nothing…still got it…”

“Thanks for asking if i like Chianti, Dr. Lechter, but it’s not about me. also, could you please clarify what you meant by fft fft fft fft?

“I notice you’re being really quiet today, Jason. anything you want to share? am i right in guessing that hockey is important to you?”

“Pleased to meet you, Mr. Kruger. I, er, have a cold — mind if i don’t shake your hand?”

“So shall i address you as Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde? both? Hoo boy this is going to be a long session.”

“Apologies, Mr. Tut, I’m not a therapist…oh, ‘mummy’ issues…”

“So, Dr. Frankenstein, mr. monster — shall we try to stitch an agreement together? Get it? Stitch? Anyone?”

“Yes, Mr. & Mrs. Munster, we have a lot of experience mediating with mixed families.”

“Absolutely, Mr. Mummy, mediation is a confidential process…we’ll keep everything said here under wraps. HA, NAILED IT!”

“Mr. Igor, you were saying you had a hunch?”

“Just to clarify, Dr. Lechter, when you say you’d like to ‘have mr. jones over for dinner’…”

“My apologies — I’ll be glad to reframe ‘werewolf’ as ‘Lupine-American’.”

“Thank you for clarifying, Dr. Frankenstein. by ‘brainstorming’ i didn’t mean using lightening to re-animate your monster’s brain.”

“We have just a few ground rules…..and also some round ghouls…..”

“Thank you for sharing, and please help me understand what you mean when you say BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA?”

“We help unwrap conflicts free of charge. Unwrapping mummies will cost you extra.”

“Unlike Dracula here, we love our stakeholders.”

“Of course you can lie in your coffin, Count, if you can’t stand being in the same room with her, and, yes, I’m confident that we’ll nail it by sunrise.”

"We could do it that way, Mr. Congress. But sometimes we do it a different way in mediation. Suppose we separate out the country’s needs and interests from your positions. If we did that, would you be OK trying to focus on needs and interests? I know it’s different from what you’re used to, but after all, you’re in mediation because what you’ve been doing so far hasn’t worked, right?"

"Did I hear you correctly that your main issue is with your dad…Sam?

"I’m sorry, Norman, but Mrs. Bates is no long able to enter into mediation with you."

"But Mr. Cheney, Saddam is not longer willing to mediate the issue of WMD."

Have any you want to share?

Biography


Brad Heckman is Chief Executive Officer of the New York Peace Institute, one of the nation's largest conflict resolution services.  He's also an Adjunct Professor at New York University’s Center for Global Affairs, where he teaches courses on international conflict resolution and organizational development.  His teaching style includes subjecting students to his childlike drawings and arcane pop culture references

Brad previously served as International Director of Partners for Democratic Change, for which he helped build the first community peacebuilding centers in Eastern Europe, the Balkans, South Caucasus, and the former Soviet Union.  He worked extensively with the Roma – commonly known as Gypsy – communities in Eastern Europe, and subsequently made several ill-fated attempts to learn to play Roma music on the accordion.  He was also a Vice President of Safe Horizon, a leading victims services and violence prevention agency.  In that capacity, he oversaw the agency’s Mediation, Families of Homicide Victims, Legal Services, Anti-Trafficking, Batterers Intervention, and Anti-Stalking Programs.  

Brad received a Master of Arts in International Relations and International Economics from the Johns Hopkins University School of Advanced International Studies, and a Bachelor of Arts in Political Science from Dickinson College.  He blogs for the New York Peace Institute.



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