The Role of Victory and Place in Conflict

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At its core, Integrated Kabbalistic Healing focuses on the Tree of Life. While the Tree of Life is probably best known to have its roots in Judaism, many spiritual paths reference the Tree of Life and the fundamental qualities of humanness that are inherent to it. Helping my clients identify and understand the relational connections within the Tree of Life have become core to my thinking as I do my work.

While I may at some point write more extensively about the 32 paths within the Tree, my intent in this piece is to merely highlight, by example, the way in which something so esoteric provides meaning and insight within the day to day work many of us do with our clients. Here goes.

One of the connections I find in almost all of my professional work lies within two of the relational points contained in the Tree. One of these points symbolizes what we think of as Victory. It has a direct connection to another point sometimes referenced, among other things, as Place. I see this relational aspect as a core place of work for many of my clients, whether individuals or organizations.

Victory, in this context, is not intended to reference victory as in a victory over another person or over something. Rather, Victory in the context I’m using relates to a person’s sense of self-victory, one’s sense of mastery and one’s sense of accomplishment. Place, at the same time, does not refer to a spot outside one’s self.Place references a person’s internal experience of knowing where one belongs, having a clear sense of occupying a space where one is meant to stand (as being in or taking one’s rightful place). And, Place, as beauty or awesomeness, is a frame of mind where everything is visible, clear and whole.

I find when the ground between Victory and Place is shaky, when there is a broken relational connection between them, internal conflict is heightened and usually externalized. I find that in my work I’m often helping clients understand that without a place, it is difficult to find a sense of victory and, at times, the fortune of events that create a sense of victory, are what can help one find a rightful place.

For example, consider the third generation family member who initially steps into the role of President of the company. When that transition is accompanied with dissension about whether he’s the right person, the deserving person, then, albeit the title has been given, the transition requires significant time and intense work for this new President to truly stand in his place. When the foundational ground of place isn’t solid, it’s harder for that person to achieve a sense of self-victory. He is often second guessing himself, or he can’t make a decision. Yet, in time, if that new President can persevere and begin to take the organization in a positive direction, he or she begins to embody Victory and those victories have a way of solidifying his rightful place. Victory and Place go hand in hand.

Or think about the employee who suffers from inadequate supervision. Roles within the organization aren’t clear. The employee has only a limited understanding of timelines, of what is expected and is rarely, if ever, held accountable. Performance is questionable and before you know it that person is directed toward a Performance Improvement Plan. Then, through a series of facilitated interactions between this person and his supervisor, both achieve clarity about roles and expectations. Accountability becomes defined. This allegedly poor performer becomes clear about what her job is, where she stands in the organization and what is expected. Her performance ratings show marked improvement. Through clear definition and structure Place has become defined and clear, and leads to a true sense of victory.Place and Victory, in solid relationship with each other, support this employee to truly begin to show creativity and outstanding job performance.

This need to understand Place and Victory is often at issue in the field of divorce and custody mediation. We frequently see one or both parents uncertain and fearful as they move away from roles that have been clear during the marriage. That can lead to self-doubt and immobility. But when the parent who had been a stay-at-home parent goes into the workforce and does well, she has a sense of accomplishment and this leads to finding a new sense of place, leading to both a sense of victory at work as well as a sense of victory in a role of parent that is different, yet equally valued.

Over time I have seen my clients suffer through confusion and conflict that is driven by the lack of a rightful place and the inability to achieve a sense of self-victory. So, when I’m paying attention to what I see, and when I’m trying to get to the heart of what is happening, a place of reflection for me is to notice whether there appears to be an absence of Place or Victory within the client, or the client system. I find that in many instances having a conversation with my client about the interplay betweenVictory and Place shifts a client’s remorse and self-judgment into an awakening. That clarity for the client increases the likelihood of vision, and as the next step becomes visible, the courage to take it.

While my work in Integrated Kabbalistic Healing has not led me to open up shop as a healer, per se, I’ve come to understand that the work we do in helping our clients shift from self-limitation to expansion is, in fact, a process of healing.

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Ann ,   Pittsburgh PA	01/17/13
Responding to Mark's comment
Mark, thank you for your comment and your time in offering some wonderful thinking about the role of personality, disorders and how all of these relate to high conflict. When I was a younger lawyer I discovered van de Kolk's work and was fortunate to be able to plan an advanced seminar for our appellate court judges to help them understand more about post traumatic stress. Those were the days when there was a lot of controversy about delayed memory recalled and the program was a dialogue between him and Elizabeth Loftus who, as you may recall, severly criticized people who stood for the possibility of delayed memory recalled. So, you comment was meaningful to me on many levels. Add New Comment

Mark ,   Seattle WA	mark@markbaumann.com      02/14/12
Victory/Place - Mastery/Indentity, high conflict
I really like this. For me it’s an ancient affirmation of what we have learned about high conflict cases, and it offers nice language to help distinguish cases involving high conflict people from cases looking like rigid high conflict but involving people who are not normally thought of as high conflict. Mastery and identity are probably the modern psychological terms that describe the same thing you are. Bessel van der Kolk and the trauma oriented providers talk about the need to develop mastery as a way of managing trauma experiences and PTSD. The DSM 5 is orienting the concept of personality disorder/dysfunction heavily around the idea of identity. High conflict people are often thought to have personality disorder or dysfunction. As a practical matter, this means, among other things, that they have no internal self identity. With a disorder, they never did and likely never will. Think of Narcissus not just as a guy who stared at his lovely image in the pond, but as a guy who utterly broke down when a wind rippled the water and dissolved his external identity. (He also broke down when ripples occurred as he tried to actually touch his image in the water.) People with personality problems also never feel mastery over their lives. They constantly feel just the opposite, totally out of control, hence the need to be overly controlling and descriptions of HCP’s as a “my way or the highway” type person. It’s easier to understand high conflict dynamics and how much harder we need to work when we understand that the people involved are suffering from extreme lack of identity and mastery. Regardless of the terms, your observations and description nicely tie the two concepts together and highlight the underlying problems that can be critical to focus on. It also highlights that it usually doesn’t hurt for a mediator to adopt a private working theory that high conflict dynamics are at play, just as you find that the two relational points of victory and place are often (or always) at play. At least this is true if you apply a do-no-harm approach such as Bill Eddy’s. It just can’t hurt to help someone feel mastery over their life or to bolster their sense of place in the world. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I can’t wait to hear more about the Tree of Life. Add New Comment

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