Good Mediation Skills Will Help Others Resolve Conflict

Q:   On some days in my job as a human resource professional, there is a steady stream of people coming to my office with gripes about their co-workers, many of which are petty, on-going complaints. Nonetheless, my job is to help them address problems so they can work together effectively and be productive employees. I have tried bringing parties together to work out their differences with limited success. Sometimes one or both clam up or, worse, the meeting turns into an exchange of insults that goes nowhere. Occasionally, they make nice, only to return another day with similar complaints. My last attempt turned into a shouting match so I'm getting uneasy about this approach. How I can be more effective in helping employees resolve conflict?

A:   You're wise to create opportunities for employees to work out their differences with one another directly. While your role is different than a professional mediator, in many conflict situations you can use the same skills that mediators use to help others resolve conflict together and reach mutually satisfactory solutions.

Use "I Messages": Help parties speak respectfully about their perspective of the problem and how the other person's action affects them. You can also use "I messages," such as "I'm unclear about ...," to get parties to say more about what's bothering them.

Restate: Paraphrase what each party says in your own words to let them know they've been heard; slow things down; reduce intensity and defensiveness; draw out more information; help them understand each other's viewpoints.

Reframe: When paraphrasing, use language that will neutralize blaming and accusations — without sugar coating the problem — so that parties can listen to the other person's perspective rather than just getting defensive. Reframe "she's a slob" to "you have a problem with her housekeeping."

Ask neutral questions: Promote dialogue through open-ended questions — "what do you think about his idea?" instead of pointed questions with implied judgments — "don't you think he has a good idea?"

Encourage expression of feelings: Accept that emotions are a normal response to conflict that can't be ignored. Inviting parties to talk about how they feel will not only help them keep their emotions in check, it also provides valuable information for understanding the problem and finding solutions.

Build your skills: The better your skills, the better the chances for success. Take a mediation skills training in which you can practice the skills being taught, with feedback, to ensure good learning.