Keep Conflict from Escalating into a Big Mess

Q.     I'd like to believe that many conflicts can be resolved agreeably but that's not the usual experience in my workplace. It seems like most conflicts just escalate into a big mess, resulting in hurt feelings, difficult working relationships and lots of turnover.  What happens to make good people behave so poorly?

A.     Conflict is a difference between two or more parties, whether actual or perceived, that is generally characterized by tension, mistrust, poor communication and intense emotions. Conflict often causes people to feel confused and misunderstood so they lash out and become defensive because they:

Feel powerless.  When people feel that they have no control over what is happening to them, they will often become afraid and act out in an attempt to establish some sense of power. Counteract this by highlighting areas where you and others do have some control.

Don't feel valued or respected.  People often stop listening and start blaming when they are in disagreement. The focus of the conflict shifts to how they're being treated and becomes personalized. Deal with this by attacking the problem, not the people.

Don't feel they've been heard.  When people don't feel they've been heard, they continue to repeat their concerns and often escalate emotionally. In an attempt to be heard, they will resort to inappropriate and destructive behaviors such as shouting, making demands, intimidation or walking out. Respond to this by listening actively and without interruption. Paraphrase facts and feelings so others feel heard and understood.

Need to save face.  Losing, giving in, giving up, backing down and admitting you are wrong can make people feel that they are weak. If this happens in public there is an even greater need to posture so they don't appear weak in front of important people in their lives. Deal with this by looking for and providing information that will allow people to change their minds and their positions because it makes sense to do so.

Need to protect themselves. When people are overwhelmed with their own problems, they are often self-absorbed and can only see conflict from a win/lose perspective. In an effort to get what they want, they may feel that they have nothing to lose by acting out. Prevent this by reframing the conflict into a win/win perspective. Explore options for mutual gain and look for solutions that everyone can live with.

Utilize a collaborative approach to keep conflict from escalating and everybody wins.

Karen Dorn and Cheryl Stinski of Alternative Resolutions Inc. provide tools for managing communication, conflict, and change. To have a question answered in this column, to view past articles, and to receive their free monthly e-newsletter The Toolbox, visit www.alternativeresolutions. biz or call 920-993-1490.