Timing Matters...

I've been told by a couple of my co-workers that another co-worker, who is supposed to be my friend, has been talking about me behind my back.

I know it's true because he told them something that no one else knows but him. This isn't the first time he's done this and I've had it. He's a great guy otherwise and I really value his friendship, but this has to stop. The next time he opens his big mouth, I'm going to let him have it and I don't care who hears it!

Loose lips sink ships — and destroy relationships. There's no doubt you need to confront your co-worker to deal with this issue if you want to resolve your concerns and maintain the friendship. But, before you confront him by reading him the riot act, consider how timing will impact your success.

Take time to cool off. Don't confront a problem in the heat of the moment and in front of an audience if you really want to work it out. Trying to address an issue when you're both upset — and he will be upset if you "let him have it" — rarely leads to constructive problem solving.

Take time to organize your thoughts. Think about how to approach him — what you'll say and how you'll say it — to avoid saying things you'll regret later. Separate facts from feelings. Frame your concerns as questions rather than accusations.

Set a time to address the problem. Don't wait until the next time you hear that he's been talking about you and you're ready to blow. Ask him to meet with you before another incident happens and you'll greatly increase your chances of remaining calm and rational.

Choose the right time of day. What time will work best for both of you — before work, after work, sometime during the workday? Pick a time that's convenient, when you can talk privately and you can both focus on the issue, not work. Consider how you might feel after the discussion — ready to go back to work or needing some time to regroup.

Plan enough time. Effective conflict resolution can't be done on the fly. You will need time for each of you to share your perspectives, listen to each other and problem-solve. You may need to meet more than once.

Successful confrontation is a matter of timing.