Conflict Need Not Get Ugly

I have a business to business dispute. I called the business owner who has done right by me in past and things didn't go very well.

I swore at him out of frustration and he hung up on me. I didn't call him back because I needed time to cool off.

A few days later, I received a letter from him threatening to turn the matter over to an attorney if I don't pay up. While I admit that I got a little hot under the collar as soon as he didn't see things my way, I didn't think this was such a big deal and I never said I wouldn't pay the bill.

I still want to discuss the problem and continue to do business with his company, but now that he's become unreasonable and made this a battle, I don't see how.

When assessing the need for conflict intervention, most people tell us they don't like to deal with conflict because experience proves that it's likely to get ugly. Oftentimes, bad behavior begets bad behavior and the conflict escalates to threats and demands.

Sound familiar? But your situation is far from hopeless.Your insight that your bad behavior rapidly escalated the conflict, your previous good working relationship with the owner, and your desire to continue doing business with the company are good reasons to try again — with a different approach.

Own your stuff: Since your bad behavior caused the conflict to escalate, start with a sincere apology to open the door to constructive discussion. And don't stop there — successful resolution means both parties are actively involved in dialogue without accusations, blaming or shaming.

Adjust your attitude: Instead of approaching this as a "battle," think of it as an opportunity for improvement. Instead of seeing the owner as "unreasonable," try seeing things from his perspective. When you approach him with an attitude towards a positive outcome, the chances of that happening improve.

Listen more, talk less: You already know what's important to you. In order to negotiate effectively, you need to learn what's important to him.

Don't react, respond: When you are stressed, told "no" or attacked, you may naturally feel like striking back. Instead, stay focused on what you want rather than getting mad or getting even. Manage your emotions.

Whether conflict becomes ugly or turns into an opportunity is all in how it's handled.