Interpretations May Differ...

Everyone in our workplace is like family. We celebrate special events like birthdays, have potluck lunches for football games and get together outside of work.

Despite our best efforts to include him, our newest employee keeps to himself and refuses to participate. He says mixing work and play is "not his thing" — in other words, he thinks he's too good for us. He's good at his job, but the rest of us agree that he just doesn't fit in. How can we tell the boss, without seeming petty, that we think he needs to go?

You have an expectation that to work there means to join the family and you've gone out of your way to roll out the welcome mat and bring the newcomer in. It sounds like your newcomer's differing expectations for workplace relationships have left you and your coworkers feeling rejected. Before telling your boss he has to go, consider these points:

Different isn't wrong. Be careful interpreting what he says to mean that he thinks he's better than you; it may be just that he's different from you. A workplace "family," like any family, includes people with differing personalities and preferences. While commemorating special events through social activities at work has been the norm at your organization, in many places it is the norm to keep personal and work lives separate. Your newcomer may even be accustomed to workplace policies that placed limits around socializing at work.

There are many ways to be a part of the "family." Think about how to help the newcomer fit in ways that are considerate of his needs. Be sensitive to a newcomer's natural anxieties about a new job and environment. Consider his communication style and ask how you can help him become acclimated. Relationships develop over time and, as his comfort level increases, he may choose to join in so keep the door open by continuing to invite him without pressuring him.

Your employer's viewpoint. Employees are not required to participate in social activities and the newcomer is good at his job — is it likely that your employer may see this situation in a different light? It is important that all employees have good, professional working relationships. However, since your strongest reason for suggesting that the newcomer "doesn't fit" is that he doesn't participate in social events at work, you might be seen as the problem.

Respecting the newcomer's preferences may well be the first step toward making him feel like part of the family.