It seems that whenever I question my co-worker about a project she’s working on, she gets defensive.  When I try to let her know that I’m just trying to get some information, her emotions escalate even further and then I get upset.  Last week, we ended up in a shouting match and now we’re barely speaking.  I want to talk to her about this but am afraid that our emotions will just get the best of us again.  How can we have this conversation without getting so agitated?

Whether at work or at home, we are emotional beings and can’t function effectively without them.  Emotions become a problem at work when they get in the way of reason and constructive problem-solving and, as in your case, take charge of the situation.  In order to have a productive conversation with your co-worker, you’ll need to effectively manage your emotions which will help her do the same.

Prepare for a situation that may become emotionally charged – Choose a place to talk that is comfortable and private; incorporate strategies to de-escalate destructive emotions including “I” statements, reflective listening, time-outs, centering exercises, deep breathing, and ground rules.  If emotions start to escalate out of control, take a time-out to cool off and calm down.  And then determine what ground rules and strategies you’ll need to keep you both on track when you try again.

Identify the emotion you are feeling – Is it really anger, or are you frustrated, confused, scared, hurt, etc.?  Distinguish between thoughts and feelings – i.e. “I feel hurt” instead of “I feel like you don’t care.”  Use “I” statements to take responsibility for your feelings and to constructively express your emotions – “I get frustrated when you react defensively to my questions because I can’t get the information I need.”

Invite your co-worker to share feelings – Show respect for and validate her feelings.  Avoid making assumptions about her emotion and its source.  Listen carefully and paraphrase to clarify and to communicate your understanding.

Empathize – Try to see things from her perspective.  If you can remember that her emotion is her automatic reaction to the situation based on her internal experiences and her perception of the external situation you won’t take her feelings so personal.

Improving your ability to perceive, understand, utilize, and handle emotions is important for success in every workplace.