When You Choose Sides, Everybody Loses

I’m stuck in the middle of a conflict between two co-workers.  Each comes to me with complaints and accusations about the other.  I feel like they think I should choose sides, but I like both of them and have to work with them everyday.  How do I get out of the middle of this mess?

People in conflict seek to get others involved for a variety of reasons.  Perhaps they respect your opinion and want objective advice.  Or they’re looking to vent their frustrations and concerns, to get it off their chests.  It sounds like your co-workers need to feel supported in the “rightness” of their position and are looking to you for that support by having you take their side.  When you choose sides, everybody loses.  Instead, get yourself out of the middle by:

Looking in the mirror.  Be honest with yourself about why you do what you do.  Are you just trying to be supportive or do you think you can fix their problem?  Remember, only they can “fix” their problem.

Encouraging direct communication.  Direct communication between your co-workers is essential for both to fully understand the issues in conflict and to generate options for resolution.  If you have concerns that the disharmony is impacting your ability to do your job, share your concerns directly with them, preferably together.

Declining to listen.  If you try to help by engaging in “gripe” sessions” or listening to the complaints, you become a “fire fueler” – intentional or not.  And if either of them interprets these actions as side-taking, you’ll cause the conflict to further escalate.  Instead, support both parties by expressing your confidence in their ability to solve their problem.

Being cautious about advice.  Since you only hear part of the story from either of them, you may give advice that harms rather than helps the situation.  And either may interpret your advice as confirming their “rightness” or, worse yet, assume that you are taking on the responsibility to solve the problem.

Referring them elsewhere.  Deeply entrenched or longstanding conflicts may prevent your co-workers from resolving their conflict with one another without help.  If your organization has a system in place such as the Addressing Conflict Effectively© program, direct them there.  Otherwise, suggest they go to your supervisor, human resources, or another manager for assistance.

When you choose, you lose, so don’t let your relationship with both co-workers become a casualty of the conflict.