I manage a staff who must rely on each other to be successful.  When an employee comes to me with gripes about a co-worker, I usually advise going directly to that person to work it out.   Unfortunately, that strategy isn’t working and now my boss says it’s my job to help employees resolve their conflicts.  You’ve said that those who have the conflict are usually best able to resolve the conflict so what should I do?

The people directly involved in a conflict do need to be directly involved in resolving it.  With that said, it is the role of a manager to coach employees so that they can be successful in their jobs, including helping them to constructively resolve conflict.  Use these tips to help you become an effective conflict coach.

Listen to clearly identify the problem.  When an employee comes to you with a gripe about a coworker, listen carefully to understand the real concern. Don’t just ask what the issue is; ask why it is an issue for them.

Ask open-ended, neutral questions. – To understand the employee’s concern, create an environment that encourages him/her to speak freely with open-ended questions.  Avoid pointed questions (so the employee can emphasize what’s important), and implied judgments in your language and tone (to reduce defensiveness).

Assist in planning.  Help the employee think about the best way to approach the other party – in person, email, telephone, etc.  Stress respectfulness and the avoidance finger pointing.  Aid in creating an “I Message” so the employee can speak assertively and respectfully about the problem, including how the other employee’s behavior is affecting them on a personal level.  Have them practice so you can give feedback or offer to preview an email message before it gets sent.

Set the stage for constructive problem-solving.  Stimulate thinking about what’s working well between those involved, and encourage the employee to acknowledge that along with the unresolved concerns.  Ask these questions to encourage joint responsibility for the solution:  What can you do to solve the problem?  What do you think the other party can do?  What do you need to solve the problem?  What do you think the other party needs?  Asking why they need or want a particular solution will help them generate more solutions.

Coaching others to resolve conflict is made easier when you have the necessary training and skills.  Build your competency with mediation skills for the workplace or other conflict resolution training.