MAY 5th, 2006 MEETING NOTES

On May 5th, Gary Friedman and Barbara Ashley Phillips engagingly presented their perspectives on enfolding spirituality and mediation in their professional and personal lives. They were preceded in the day's events by inspiring yoga and meditation sessions, led by instructor Tim Lenheim.

Gary Friedman, long-time internationally acknowledged mediator, posed several thoughtful questions, some of which were discussed in pairs: What is spirituality? Why do I mediate? What is my "spiritual impulse" for mediating? How do I bring this spiritual impulse into action? What is the spiritual impulse of the parties which brings them to mediation?

For Gary, the spiritual impulse comes from within, and with its sense of connection, is the heart of mediation. For him, the answers to such questions as what spirituality is and his reasons for mediation, change over time. What remains as a constant is the need to bring spirituality to his practice of mediation without expectations, where he (and we) can made a difference in our own selves, in our presence. In Gary's words it is essential to "keep operating, looking for what is possible in this moment, with these people."

Mediation is not about us, it is about the parties, and about keeping the balance between perception (what we can/need to perceive) and reality. It is about people "finding their way, not my way." Further, as Gary explains, we can offer/suggest but not impose mediation structure. Within that structure is a fundamental spirit, concern and tension. What we work for and with is a balance between autonomy/separateness and connectedness, between the tension of spirit and the outer world, between and among the parties, and ourselves.

Gary posits that people coming to mediation are 90% positional ("this is what I want"). The other 10% is a spiritual impulse that leads them to mediate. This spiritual impulse is the fuel that drives the mediation. Ideally, the spiritual impulse of the mediator can connect with the spiritual impulses of the parties. It is faith to follow the thread of possibility, to ask the questions that evoke the possibilities. This, says Gary, "does not make me an optimist, but a realist." It is a realism deeply connected to his personal spirituality, and belief that people can resolve their differences, and that they can solve their problems.

Much of what Gary related was in the context of his own spiritual reflections after discovering he had a twin brother, who died at 3 months of age. Gary also shared that one of his main goals as a mediator is to help parties simply have an honest conversation, in which truth is more important than being right.

Barbara Ashley Phillips, in her presentation, underlined that same sense of the deeply personal and spiritual brought into the mediation process. Barbara, also a long-time mediator, was instrumental in founding the ACR Spirituality Section. For Barbara, context is determined by what is inside of us. In what she calls craftsman context, we can do "amazingly difficult things at a higher level of performance," because in the larger context humanity gets acknowledged. This context, this ability to stretch beyond reaching agreement/settlement, is founded in who we are standing inside ourselves. The mediator normalizes things, and how we are being invites a larger experience.

We are, Barbara says, multi-level people in a multi-level world. We are capable of layers of connection, going on simultaneously. It involves risk, and willingness. If the mediator feels vulnerability, there are no judgments. In normalizing, the mediator helps begin the unloading of whatever is blocking the parties from moving forward. Amazing things can happen, Barbara states, with what people bring to the table.

What is your way, Barbara asks, of recognizing where you are, especially in smaller contexts, and moving beyond? She generously shared a recently-written paper on inner posture, both conceptual and authentic. "When you are mediating," Barbara writes,"your inner posture creates a context for the participants." The size of the context will in great part determine the possibilities, and eventual outcome of the mediation process. In its largest context, there can be a sense of sacredness, and of awe. As another mediator stated, "When it works, it's magic." For more information, please e-mail barbara@crtraining.org.

Barbara Bryant and Chris Knowlton led a discussion about a Mediation/Meditation Practice group that has been meeting in the Bay Area for over a year. The group was originally inspired by a meditation retreat for lawyers held at Spirit Rock Meditation Center. Group members are all practitioners for whom a significant part of their professional practice or interest is as a mediator and who want to explore the connections between the role of the mediator and the practice of meditation. More information about the group is available on the ACR Spirituality Section website at http://www.mediate.com/acrspirituality/pg34.cfm.

Hosts for the May 5th event were Eileen Barker and Michael Aloi of ACR's Sprituality section, and Pat Shanahan of ADRNC.