ACR18 ACR18 ACR Spirituality Section

The silence in the room is disconcerting. Where, if anywhere, is this mediation headed?

Earlier, the complainant had acknowledged the one and only offer made by the respondent. However, at this point, she declared that this offer didn’t need to be made in the mediation, but could be implemented in the workplace, regardless of mediation. I’m feeling pessimistic about the situation.

Since the start, there has been a great deal of venting, especially from the complainant, and now it seems that she is rejecting even the one thing that the parties seem to have agreed upon. It is crucial that these two people be able to go forward in order to work with each other harmoniously, although right now I can’t imagine how this situation can possibly be resolved. As I become aware of how I feel, I know immediately that I have to change my outlook.

Prior to the mediation, as with all my mediations, I had thought about this case and these individuals’ interest in and ability to come to mutual understanding. I knew that they expressed the same intelligence, thoughtfulness, understanding, and care that all of us are capable of. I went into the mediation with the expectation that not only could we listen to each other, but that we were all receptive to hearing and understanding whatever we needed to know in order for this to be a successful event. I held to the thought that there were no divisions or strife between these parties, that they desired the same thing - that is, peace and resolution, and that they were guided by the same Source of wisdom and love to achieve mutual understanding. Over lunch, before the mediation, I had shared some of these thoughts with my co-mediator.

Now we are at this juncture in the mediation where we seem to be stuck, and I am feeling quite abject about the situation. I turn inward, and ask myself what is missing here, and what do I need to know. Instantly, the word “Love” comes into my thought, and rather amusingly, with a heart shape surrounding it! Yes, Love is present: we, the mediators are expressing love through our efforts to help these parties and the parties are expressing love by being here voluntarily because they want to improve their relationship with each other as well their working situation. The sense of love that is present in the room has to prevail over any sense of discouragement, limitation or human ego.

I say nothing, as that seems the best course of action, and the other mediator also remains silent. The silence prevails for a few minutes, everyone seeming pensive. After that, the claimant who, up that point, had sat back in her chair, and often had one hand near her mouth, begins to lean forward. She quietly, gently states that she feels that both parties understand each other better, that she thinks they can work out their relationship with each other and is hopeful that they will move forward productively. Neither party wants a more concrete agreement, that might outline steps each of them would take, but rather share this general sense of mutual understanding and the desire to work with each other more constructively and effectively.

When I follow up on this case, in a few months, I will learn how these parties did resolve their issues with each other, and what changes will have taken place in their working relationship. In the meantime, I continue to hold the knowledge that they are fully empowered to deal with their situation effectively. They have the ability to be considerate and understanding of each other’s unique personalities, working styles and needs, and that individually and together they can grow in their expression of the strengths that are naturally and rightfully theirs.

As a mediator, working from a spiritual basis, I have learned to set aside preconceptions about personalities, nationalities, age, gender and all the various labels that we so easily place on people. I also find it important to set aside any sense of ego. It is not I who have any special ability or power to bring any conflict to a satisfactory resolution. I need to listen to the one Ego or Mind that guides my thought to the ideas and words that are needed and appropriate at any particular time. I don’t always find it easy to hold to the “high road,” but it is part of my preparation for mediations. It is what I try to keep in mind about the parties with whom I’m meeting, as well as any co-mediators with whom I may be working.

I am grateful that I can turn to and rely on the Mind that is the source of intelligence, the Love that shows mercy and kindness, the Truth from which justice springs, the Life that is the source of the ideas we need, the Spirit that inspires us, the Soul that lets us see beyond what the senses can tell us, and the Principle that shows us what is right and ethical, upon which to base our actions. With these allies and mentors always by my side, my job as a mediator is made easier and more pleasant and I feel more confident than I would be without them.

Elisabeth Seaman is a partner in Conflict Prevention &Resolution Services, based in Palo Alto, California. CP&R Services assist individuals and groups to decrease divisions, and increase mutual understanding and collaborative action, among people through mediation and trainings.

Elisabeth Seaman, Partner Conflict Prevention &Resolution Services 3934 Nelson Drive; Palo Alto CA 94306-4523 tel (650) 493-2990 fax (650) 852-0493 cprservices@igc.org

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