What is Family Mediation?

Family Mediation is a process that allows families who are experiencing a "hopeless situation" to begin to communicate all over again. Family Mediation has saved many marriages, but it is also appropriate for couples who are certain they want to divorce. Unlike legal procedures, Family Mediation is a chance for all parties to grow and to heal, marshaling your own strengths, so that -- whatever the outcome -- you can begin again in peace, in a state of greater well being, and if children are involved, in greater certainty that the fallout from your dispute will not form an inevitable pattern for their future relationships.

Is There a Comfortable and Healing Alternative to Divorce Court or Counseling?

YES, and it is called Transformative Mediation.

Transformation Mediation is usually a short term, or in some cases, one-meeting process. The cost is comparable to counseling -- far under legal mediation. The object is to acknowledge what is not working but to emphasize your own strengths, what interests you have in common, and the healing effect of acknowledging each other's hurt. Principle: We never assign blame. We acknowledge hurt. We acknowledge each other. We acknowledge each other's goodness and so move toward real resolution in the heart. Resolution of practical problems usually follows with little dispute. If you still require a legal process, you come prepared with an agreement and may be able to avoid all but the legal formalities.

How Does Transformative Mediation Work?

The parties come to a comfortable home-like setting and sit with the mediator for one to two hours at a time. Each person, in turns, explains to the mediator -- who is not familiar with your situation -- the problems, the assumptions, the context -- everything. After each person has spoken, Kamila Blessing will "reflect" back to you what you have expressed -- until you can acknowledge that you have truly been heard. The process is very simple -- but very powerful, and deeply empowering.

There are two rules: we do not interrupt each other; and we avoid inflamatory language.

When the "turns" come to a natural pause, Kamila will summarize where you have arrived so far. It is typical that one or all of the parties express deep surprise at what they never knew before! The "magic": everyone has to hear the others through a third person's ears. You hear their concerns re-expressed through the mouth of a person (the mediator) who takes no sides and is not party to the problems. Each person also hears the others express what is good about them and begins to feel appreciated -- even, loved.

Suddenly the world looks different, you feel healed through the acknowledgement of your concerns, and you see each other differently. A way forward becomes clear -- sometimes all at once, and sometimes in steps.

After many years' experience, Kamila Blessing understands how to create for you the opportunity to use your strengths and potential, and the potential of your family or relationship.

How Is Transformative Mediation Different from Mediation by Divorce Attorneys?

Attorneys will save you court fees and the fees for attorneys' time spent in court. Their out of court fees are typically $150-$200 an hour. Their process is also different. The attorney will usually meet with each spouse or family member separately. He will ask about each person's desired legal outcome (regarding money, custody, living arrangements). He will then go to the judge and find out -- if these people each want XYZ, what will the judge approve? The process is repeated until a legal agreement is reached. This procedure has legitimate applications. A great many attorneys offer this service, particularly as "alternative dispute resolution" (alternative to court) becomes more popular among the legal profession.

Advantage: this process avoids the emotional crisis point of going to court and open conflict, long enough to achieve a legal agreement.

Disadvantage: No healing is achieved. Members of the family often continue for years to hurt each other using their children or circumstances. Family Systems Theory and practice tell us that the resulting long-term stresses can end in physical illness and in the replaying of the same kind of conflict in the children's marriages and relationships. Cut-offs of relationship, significantly, between one parent and the children, are a common result.

How is this different from Counseling?

Counseling is often a good idea, and family counseling can have wonderful results. However, typically it takes a long time. The object is personal development, and that does not occur overnight. MOST IMPORTANT, counseling usually focuses upon WHAT IS WRONG and HOW TO FIX IT. Everyone must dwell in the worst of the situation for an extended time. Your personal resources may, paradoxically, be muted through this process.

Is mediation guaranteed to work?

We guarantee the process -- not what you do with it.  Only you can guarantee your contribution to your marriage or relationship, and only together can you stand against the world and its stresses. Also, mediation gets to the root of failed communication.  It is not a substitute for longterm personal development -- something we all need.   Finally, not everyone is a good candidate for mediation. For example, if the root of the problem is addiction or criminal behavior, you must deal with that first. We do offer suggestions and referrals.

You must be willing to invest your time, a reasonable cost, and good faith in the process. For those who are good candidates and want to invest in mediation, we together sign an "emotional contract" -- a statement of mutual intention to build something positive together, and to give it at least ... (You fill in the investment you want to make.)  This is not a legal document.  It is the starting-gate for the processes of the heart by which you will ultimately take control of conflict and stress. Having done this...

... For most people, mediation will take you miles beyond where you are now. To help you lock in your progress, we offer a "six month checkup," and tools to manage the sources of hurt when you are on your own. You will acquire some of these tools as we go, if you have the commitment to do so.

DO YOU HAVE THE PERSEVERENCE and the COURAGE -- to SEE WHAT YOU CAN HAVE and DO through TRANSFORMATIVE MEDIATION?

Call Kamila Blessing at 866-871-5088.